Welcome to From Anon, Happiful’s monthly agony aunt column that gives you the opportunity to anonymously ask a qualified counsellor for advice and guidance on whatever’s been worrying you lately. This month, one reader wants advice on what to do when they feel they have to stay in a marriage, but it feels like the relationship has run its course.
How can my and I partner continue with our marriage when separation is not an option, even though both of us would prefer to be apart?
Ayo says: You’d be hard pushed to find a couple that hasn’t thought about calling time on their relationship. The so-called ‘seven-year itch’ has embedded itself in popular consciousness for good reason. It speaks to the notion that once the honeymoon phase has passed, and the reality of life, children (if any), and responsibilities have set in, couples typically enter a period of turbulence – as they begin to question and re-evaluate their marriage.
Some even argue that this is a necessary juncture, since it forces individuals to scrutinise their relationship and consciously decide if they’re going to stay together. Whether you’ve just arrived here or have been dissatisfied for some time, there are things you can do to get your marriage back on track. To be clear, if the relationship is abusive, I strongly urge you to focus, instead, on a safe separation*.
Communication is key. While discussions have clearly taken place between you both, I’m curious about the nature of these conversations. Beyond blame and recriminations, do you fully understand why the marriage has broken down and your respective contributions? What are the unmet needs and unresolved traumas? Perhaps a lack of intimacy has driven you apart, or diverging goals and priorities? Whatever the reason(s), it’s important to create space to listen to each other with empathy and commit to change. Couples therapy can help you resolve conflict more effectively and facilitate the restoration of respect and good will.
However, you may have exhausted all your efforts and concluded that you would be better off apart. If, like most people, you feel you can’t separate due to financial constraints and/or children, I encourage you to explore all the possible resources at your disposal – including welfare, housing and legal support, and organisations that help families navigate transitions. Separating is daunting, but I’m confident that the long-term benefits of a healthy, happy home will far outweigh any temporary discomfort.
If being apart together truly is your only option for now, establish rules and boundaries to maintain a harmonious living environment. This could be a written agreement that defines how you’ll manage finances, chores, and co-parenting duties. Schedule periodic check-ins to discuss the progress of your new arrangement, while planning for a future that incorporates independence and a fresh start.
*In an emergency call 999. For support, call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
Ayo Adesioye | Dip. Couns MBACP | Ayo is an integrative psychotherapist. Learn more about Ayo Adesioye by visiting her profile on the Counselling Directory.
Big or small, old or new, if something has been worrying you, submit an anonymous question to Ayo for the chance of seeing it answered in next month’s column.
If you could ask a counsellor anything, what would it be?
From Anon is not a replacement for professional support. If you are struggling, reach out to your GP, or a qualified counsellor on Counselling Directory.
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