Our agony aunt answers your questions. This month, the question is: How can I get over resentment that we don’t have any family support to raise our child?
Welcome to From Anon, Happiful’s monthly agony aunt column that gives you the opportunity to anonymously ask a qualified counsellor for advice and guidance on whatever’s been worrying you lately. This month, one reader is struggling with feelings of bitterness towards their family, due to a lack of support.
How can I get over the resentment that we don’t have family support to raise our child? My husband and I live a couple of hours away from our parents and they rarely visit us to help out.
Ayo says: Family dynamics can be complex things, but just like we’re doing away with the myth that all mothers love motherhood, the reality is that not all grandparents care for grandparenthood. Instead, some wish to enjoy their twilight years without obligation or sacrifice – or they may not realise the extent to which you are struggling or need support. In your question, you speak about this lack of practical support, but make no allusions to the emotional bond between your child and parents. I wonder how this manifests in your interactions with them; is it possible that your expectations and resentment, be they explicit or otherwise, might alienate them somewhat?
I’m sure you would like them to have a close relationship, however. In that case, let your parents know how important this is to you, and how its absence makes you feel. If you’re able to convey this sentiment (as opposed to one connected to duty), you may well get the support you’re seeking. You could also be more direct; rather than expecting help, ask for it – but again, your approach and the language you adopt is crucial.
I am, of course, curious about their lack of interest, and what it potentially reveals about your own relationship with them. My guess is that their behaviour is not new, and that you and your husband are possibly experiencing a continuation of how they’ve been with you throughout your lives. Growing up, were they emotionally distant or unavailable, prioritising their needs over yours? As adults, do you still find yourselves vying for their attention and love in some way? You may subconsciously be attempting to resolve these wounds through your child. If they can show up for your child, the thinking goes, you are loved after all – and all is forgiven. That you have not been able to achieve this outcome will come as a considerable blow.
It may help to find a therapist with whom you can work through these issues. Should you wish to repair the relationship, therapy can equip you with tools. Alternatively, it could help you accept your parents as they are, and reduce any longing for what sadly can not be provided.
Ayo Adesioye | Dip. Couns MBACP | Ayo is an integrative psychotherapist. Learn more about Ayo Adesioye by visiting her profile on the Counselling Directory.
Big or small, old or new, if something has been worrying you, submit an anonymous question to Ayo for the chance of seeing it answered in next month’s column.
If you could ask a counsellor anything, what would it be?
From Anon is not a replacement for professional support. If you are struggling, reach out to your GP, or a qualified counsellor on Counselling Directory.
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