Our agony aunt answers your questions. This month, the question is: How do I heal from trauma when the person who hurt me won't talk about what happened?
Welcome to From Anon, Happiful’s monthly agony aunt column that gives you the opportunity to anonymously ask a qualified counsellor for advice and guidance on whatever’s been worrying you lately. This month, one reader wants to know how to heal from trauma when the person who hurt them won’t engage.
How do I heal from trauma when the person who hurt me won't talk about what happened?
Ayo says: You may or may not have heard of the ‘Let Them’ theory that’s currently popular. It’s a repackaged version of an age-old practice that helps people stop focusing on what they can’t control (such as the actions of others) and start concentrating on the only thing they truly have any influence over – themselves.
Of the thousands of self-help hacks out there, this is arguably one of the most effective. When we stop trying to control, and instead choose to ‘let them’, we redirect the energy we’ve been expending trying to alter someone’s behaviour and redirect it into our own lives. This doesn’t mean you tolerate abusive or harmful behaviour. Neither does it mean your pain is not valid. It’s also not your fault that the other party is unwilling to acknowledge the hurt they’ve caused. However, you needn’t wait for them to get closure and move on. This is a gift you can give yourself.
This is by no means easy, especially if the person is still very much in your life. Whether they’re a partner, friend, or sibling, it’s OK to set boundaries or, if need be, reduce contact for now. If you notice that their stonewalling or inability to take responsibility plays out in other ways, perhaps start by gently addressing that first, which may eventually create an opening for more challenging conversations.
Letter-writing can be an incredibly powerful way to ‘talk’ to people who have hurt you and process difficult emotions. The intention is not to send the letter, but to write in an unfiltered and uncensored way, expressing everything you wish to say. As you express all your pain and anger, as many times as needed, these previously ‘stuck’ feelings may start to shift, possibly even making way for a new perspective.
A therapist can also help you manage your trauma and explore this particular relationship in more depth. They may choose to do some ‘chairwork’ where you’re guided to imagine that person sitting in the empty chair across from you, and engage in dialogue with them. Revisiting the trauma itself, and speaking to part of you that was wounded back then, can also be beneficial.
It may take time, and it may feel messy, or even unfair as the other person continues with their life seemingly unperturbed. But becoming unstuck starts with the simple yet powerful decision to turn the spotlight on yourself – and keep the focus there.
Ayo Adesioye | Dip. Couns MBACP | Ayo is an integrative psychotherapist. Learn more about Ayo Adesioye by visiting her profile on the Counselling Directory.
It’s a bittersweet day as we announce that this will be Ayo’s final column, as she passes the baton onto another professional who will be answering your questions next month. Thank you Ayo for all the wonderful words of wisdom you’ve shared over the last six months!
Big or small, old or new, if something has been worrying you, submit an anonymous question for the chance of seeing it answered in next month’s column.
If you could ask a counsellor anything, what would it be?
From Anon is not a replacement for professional support. If you are struggling, reach out to your GP, or a qualified counsellor on Counselling Directory.
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