Welcome to From Anon, Happiful’s monthly agony aunt column that gives you the opportunity to anonymously ask a qualified counsellor for advice and guidance on whatever’s been worrying you lately. This month, one reader wants to know how to support a friend who has a tendency to lie…
Meet our agony aunt
Ayo Adesioye is an online psychotherapist who specialises in relationship and family issues, as well as men’s mental health. She is also a domestic abuse specialist, who offers therapeutic and practical support to both victims and perpetrators. Previously a journalist, Ayo brings a gentle curiosity to her practice, encouraging clients to share their story as a key part of the healing process.
How do you help someone who won't admit to needing help? My friend is a compulsive liar, which can be very hurtful and cause issues for other people. I have mentioned it to her, but she denies lying, even when I have proof.
Ayo says: Trying to help someone who will not admit to needing help is extremely challenging. The person, of course, has to recognise that they have a problem in order for meaningful change to take place. However, taking time to understand what’s going on for them and where this behaviour may be coming from is important, and will inform your approach to the situation.
We know that your friend was not born spinning falsehoods. What likely began as a normal bending of the truth, seen in most children as a way to conceal their mistakes and avoid punishment, presumably turned into something habitual and necessary to cope in stressful circumstances. In adulthood, it’s become their go-to for avoiding confrontation, criticism, judgement, and any kind of uncomfortable situation. It is therefore, I suspect, not deliberate or intended to cause harm, despite the fact that it often does.
Even lying which appears to be calculated, that’s used to manipulate and control, is most probably a self-protective mechanism that has its roots in trauma. It may have been the only way the person got their needs met as a child. They may fear abandonment if they tell the truth, or they have come to depend on fantasies and embellishments to inflate an extremely fragile sense of self. This is a common trait in those with personality disorders, so it could be that your friend is experiencing a mental health condition.
When seen as a possible mental health issue that’s part of a cluster of symptoms, you might have an easier time encouraging your friend to seek help. In this way, you will not focus solely on the lying, but on their wellbeing as a whole, and the impact on other areas of their life.
As for addressing the lies head-on, my advice is to do so with caution and care. Direct confrontation in the form of accusations and proof will induce further shame, the very thing your friend is on guard against, and result in more falsehoods. Rather, a subtle approach, whereby you have mutually vulnerable conversations over time, might be more effective.
Do not be afraid to set boundaries and consequences which may involve stepping away, especially if their behaviour is negatively impacting your own wellbeing. Eventually, the ruptured relationships and chaos will likely force your friend to address their behaviour.
Ayo Adesioye | Dip. Couns MBACP | Ayo is an integrative psychotherapist. Learn more about Ayo Adesioye by visiting her profile on the Counselling Directory.
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